Last week I brought up one reason some neurodiverse individuals may not ask for help- they aren’t aware that they need help. Another reason why they may not ask for help is because of a fear of rejection. In my work with neurodiverse clients I usually start by asking them what they think about asking for help. I either have them fill in the blank or use a likert scale:
Many of my clients have said that they don’t ask for help because they don’t want to look stupid. In their mind, asking for help is admitting failure. Many neurodiverse individuals have Rejection Sensitivity Dysphoria. Rejection Sensitivity Disorder “is extreme emotional sensitivity and pain triggered by the perception that a person has been rejected or criticized by important people in their life. It may also be triggered by a sense of falling short—failing to meet their own high standards or others’ expectations.” So, when we are asking a neurodivergent individual with Rejection Sensitivity Disorder to ask for help, we are asking them to independently admit failure (sometimes publicly), while independently regulating intense emotions. Even if you don’t think this is hard, remember that neurodiverse individuals have different abilities and just because something is easy for you doesn’t mean it will be easy for them.
So, what do we do? First and most important, stop using shame to change behavior. Shame is a fear of feeling unworthy or not good enough. Individuals with Rejection Sensitivity Dysphoria already have a heightened anxiety around being rejected or not good enough. So, when we use shame to “teach” we are actually making things worse. Feeling shame can increase avoidant behaviors; essentially, you stop trying. Instead, we can:
References:
https://www.additudemag.com/rejection-sensitive-dysphoria-and-adhd/
ADHD Experts Podcast #250 “Beyond Shame and Guilt: Transformative Strategies for Women with ADD” https://www.additudemag.com/adhd-expert-webinars-index/