How the need for social belonging can cause teens to engage in unsafe behaviors.
I have been leading some groups that teach social media safety skills to neurodivergent teens. (If you are interested in these groups go to the “Online Groups” page). At the beginning of groups individuals did not know what types of red flags to look for that would indicate someone was a predator. For instance, they were unaware that someone asking to talk with you on a more private social media platform was suspect or that someone giving you a gift online could indicate someone had malicious motives. Additionally, many neurodivergent participants were not aware that people lie online and they weren’t sure why someone would lie online. However, at the end of the groups individuals were able to identify red flags to look out for and were able to identify why people might lie online. Both of these skills will increase their ability to stay safe as they navigate social media.
Because of this I’ve been doing a lot of research in this area. I recently read a fantastic book by Emily Weinstein and Carrie James called, “Behind Their Screens: What Teens are Facing (And Adults Are Missing)” that goes over the research behind social media safety. The thing that I love about the book is that it looks at the research from the lense of a teenager. Teens were interviewed for this book and so the information is very pertinent to them. Adults (and I include myself in this) think that teens don’t know the dangers of social media, when in actuality many of them do. The thing is, teens are more susceptible to “peer validation and to the pain of feeling rejected or excluded” (E. Weinstein and C. James, p. 24). This means that they are more likely to do things that (even dangerous things) to get peer validation and belonging. What this means is that when we are looking at teaching social media safety skills we can’t just tell teens all the dangers that will happen. We need to address potential social isolation. This is especially important for neurodivergent individuals who already have a hard time finding belonging.
So, how do we do this?
- Virtual spaces aren’t always bad and we can find ones that are safe. I like the ones below.
- Look for places that correlate with your teens niche. If they are into Dungeons and Dragons, can you find a local group that does similar things? Are there specific groups at school/community that are neurodivergent affirming.
- Sometimes teens will find more connection in groups that are made of mostly of people who are neurodivergent. This doesn’t mean they can’t have neurotypical friends, but the research says that neurotypical people are not often as understanding/accepting of neurodivergent individuals.
- Model self-compassion. It is natural for us to think that we are not good enough. And this can happen even more if you are relying on the opinions of others to validate your self-worth. There are a lot of wonderful self-compassion exercises, but one of my favorites is the idea of “common humanity”. Often, when we feel lonely we caught up in how we are the only ones that feel that way. But loneliness is something that everyone feels. There are people right now who feel lonely, just like you. Knowing that you aren’t the only one working through these difficult feelings can make them easier to feel.
