In the last post, I mentioned how teaching “Good Touch” and “Bad Touch” wasn’t the most effective way to teach safety skills. So, what do we do instead? Instead, we should be teaching “Wanted Touch”, “Unwanted Touch” and “Confusing Touch”.
A “Wanted Touch” is a touch that is welcome and wanted. This will differ for each person. I love that this concept gives each individual control over what type of touch they want, it doesn’t make a blanket statement that one type of touch is safe for all people.
An “Unwanted Touch” is a touch that isn’t wanted or welcome. An unwanted touch may be a touch that doesn’t feel good, but is necessary to keep the individual safe. For instance, a shot can be an “Unwanted Touch”. We may not like the way it feels, but it necessary for us to stay safe.
A “Confusing Touch” is when the touch isn’t clearly good or bad. This could be a long hug from a family member that you don’t feel close to. It is a touch that doesn’t fit in the context of the relationship. For instance, rough housing with siblings might fit in the context of that relationship. However, rough housing with an acquaintance may not. A “Confusing Touch” can also be a touch that conflicts with the value of the receiver. For instance, I grew up in a very conservative religion and I dated a guy who didn’t believe in kissing longer then 3 seconds. Kissing for longer than 3 seconds went against his values. Lastly, a “Confusing Touch” is one that might feel good but is shrouded in secrecy and shame. For instance, someone touching your genitals might feel good, but the individual doing it might tell you not to tell anyone.
It is so important to teach neurodiverse individuals to communicate if they ever have a question about the type of touch they received. There are so many grey areas. This is natural- and as it should be. There are grey areas because everyone has different values, different preferences and different lived experiences. One way to stay safe even when grey areas are present is to make sure that neurodiverse individuals have safe people that they can talk to. A safe person is going to be someone that they feel comfortable talking to (especially about personal things).
Here is an example of how a conversation could go:
Child crying: Mom, the doctor hurt me!
Parent: How did they hurt you?
Child: They put a shot in my arm and it didn’t feel good.
Parent: Oh, it sounds like that was a touch that you didn’t want, huh?
Child: Yeah.
Parent: That must have felt scary. Thank you for telling me. The doctor was giving you the shot to keep you healthy. So, even though you didn’t like it, it will keep you safe.
Talking about touch this way help you validate your child’s feelings about the touch, get more information about the context of the touch and explain the purpose of the touch.
References: SIECUS Report; Sexual Abuse October/November 2000, “The Touch Continuum: Part of a Risk Reduction Curriculum” by Cordelia Anderson M.A.