Question: How do you define “normal” behavior versus “creepy” behavior? Answer: It is all about intention
The other day I was trying to create a visual for a client that explained the difference between behavior that is “normal”, behavior that could come off as “creepy” and behavior that was “harassment”. I usually start by just making a list of behaviors and then sorting them myself into the different categories. Here is what I came up with:
However, as I am finding with most things, sorting behaviors into black and white categories isn’t feasible. Furthermore, it doesn’t teach skills. Now, here is why my list doesn’t work:
- Going to someone’s house without being invited:
- People come to my house all of the time even if they aren’t invited (someone selling girl scout cookies, my neighbors with my mail that was accidentally delivered to them, people from my church)-. Some of these people I may not want to see, but their behavior isn’t really creepy.
- Giving gifts to someone without it being reciprocated
- Some people are gift givers and some people aren’t. Someone may be giving lots of gifts because that is their “love language” and someone else may be reciprocating but in other ways (time together or words of affirmation).
- Calling/texting multiple times a day without reciprocation
- My husband has a bad habit of responding to my texts, but nonetheless I text him relentlessly. He doesn’t consider this creepy. My pharmacy sends my reminders and I never reciprocate those texts. And some neurodiverse individuals don’t respond to texts because they simply forget or are distracted. They may not consider your behavior of texting them multiple times a day as creepy.
The point is, someone’s intention is what makes their behavior creepy or not creepy. So, this is what I have learned:
- Help the client identify what their intention is. I have noticed that we spend a lot of time getting neurodiverse individuals to identify other people’s intentions, but they often don’t know their own.
- Talk about “normal” and “creepy” behaviors in the context of their intention. Make it personal.
- Help them to understand and communicate when they are not feeling comfortable. If we are too black and white we may teach neurodiverse individuals that even if they feel uncomfortable they should stay in a situation because it technically hasn’t reached the neurotypical definition of creepy yet. It is important for all of us to understand that our level of comfort will be different from someone else’s and we should respect that even if we don’t understand it.